Gorn N’hleg is a renowned and titled Orc coach. Having grown tired of coaching his usual teams, full of show-off Blitzers and prima-donna Throwers, he embarks on a new journey of professional and personal growth: coaching Black Orcs. How could such a journey go unchronicled? So here is The Gorn N’hleg Chronicle to be released on a regular basis over the coming year, humorously documenting his highs and lows.
OK, scribe, little buddy, start writing. Finish this one off and I’ll finally let you get back to your rotting little hovel in the forest. “Really Boss?” Yup! This is it. It’s my last chronicle entry because … I’M A FREAKING CHAMPION!!! AGAIN!!
Yeah, I know you haven’t heard from me in a while. That’s because I’ve had to do a bit of in-cave arse-kicking. Things had been going a bit shite in the league, being out-Casualtied by our opponents in two of the last three matches. My people tell me the Bytown Maulers are down to twenty-sixth in the standings. That sort of thing’s unacceptable, obviously. So I did some arse-bootin’. And all this to say, I’ve straightened the Lads out!
OK, scribe, little buddy, start writing. Good day loyal reader. So, I promised you a while back I’d explain to you how I, the great Gorn N’hleg, would build a team of Black Orcs for tourneys. Well, this is the chronicle entry that’ll do just that. Lys Bowl’s comin’ up and I want to win it! There’s some good prizes and it’s being held in a colony of Bretonnia, so there’s likely to be some decent wine. ague players don’t like playin’ in tourneys, I spoke to Ad’amm and Fillip about comin’ on-board … oh, and Slag, too, ’cause he can tackle. Havin’ a tackler in a tourney’s always a good thing. It’s a pity Black Orcs ain’t quick … that’ll be a problem for your tackler, but you’re still better havin’ one. And I’ll get to the business about a quick tackler a bit later when I speak about what kinda Gobbos you want on your team.
OK, scribe, little buddy, start writing. Good day loyal reader. So, I promised you a while back I’d explain to you how I, the great Gorn N’hleg, would build a team of Black Orcs for tourneys. Well, this is the chronicle entry that’ll do just that. Lys Bowl’s comin’ up and I want to win it! There’s some good prizes and it’s being held in a colony of Bretonnia, so there’s likely to be some decent wine. ague players don’t like playin’ in tourneys, I spoke to Ad’amm and Fillip about comin’ on-board … oh, and Slag, too, ’cause he can tackle. Havin’ a tackler in a tourney’s always a good thing. It’s a pity Black Orcs ain’t quick … that’ll be a problem for your tackler, but you’re still better havin’ one. And I’ll get to the business about a quick tackler a bit later when I speak about what kinda Gobbos you want on your team.
OK, scribe, little buddy, start writing. Good day. I’m BAAAAAACK! Yeah, Orcling, yeah! I got some rest after the frickin’ disaster that was last season. I did some big game hunting and deep sea fishing. I bagged myself a pair of unicorns on land and a school of mermaids at sea. I can tell you I ate and ate until my rage subsided. I even threw a few tasty morsels around, including my little buddy scratching my words down with the cockatrice feather dipped in the blood of my kills.
OK, you ready, scribe? Good. Start writing. Good day. So … Yeah … My Accounts Goblin tells me that the contract I signed with Taureau Amiral stipulates I actually have to see this chronicle thing through ’til the end. Right.
How dare you call me a liar!?! You little maggot! I should pull out my codpiece and slap you stupid with it! What? It’s not you but the Minotaur what’s callin’ me a liar?
Well … I suppose he is paying me a fair bit’o’swag for you idiot scribes to scratch that there parchment with a cockatrice feather after it’s been dipped in the blood of my enemies. But just ’cause he’s payin’ don’t mean he can slander me!
WHADDYA MEAN, “NO PRE-SEASON”? No! Go away! I meant it you little maggot! Not now! Bugger off! I don’t care if I’ve gotta contract! Woe betide he who in his pride and arrogance angers the little Goblin scribe. For this latter shall write what he seeth fit into the most valuable chronicle of the prideful and he shall urinate in the “chicken broth” of the arrogant. He he he.
Right, so you’ve got a team, you’ve got a game plan for when you’re team’s on offence, now you need one for when your team’s on defence. So, last time out I talked about how your Boyz’ll need to have your way of playing beaten into their thick noggins and how the challenge will be getting a pack of lazy brutes to do the hard work on the training pitch. Same thing applies on defence and brutality’s still what you’re aiming for. You’ve gotta please the Ultras and pleasing them’s gonna bring you success.
OK, once you’ve built your team of Black Orcs, you’re gonna have to beat your way of playing want into their thick noggins. This means you’ve gotta do the hard work on the training pitch. Yeah, I know, the Boyz is lazy and the Gobbos even worse.
