Von Wurzenheim

For some, a win is a win. For others, a tie is a win. For others, a loss is a win if the other team was severely mangled. However, for a tournament, a win is a win, a tie is a tie, and a loss is a loss. Having come off winning the Waterloo Blood Bowl League, and after enjoying several days on the Tilean beaches thanks to our sponsor, Taureau Amiral, the River City Gunners entered a charity tournament, Bosom Bowl V. 

It is important to note that during playoffs, stress, anxiety, and fear can cripple players, coaches, teams, and owners. Being of the nobility myself, I feel like I can speak on how the weight of playoffs can affect an Imperial Nobility team. In short, it doesn’t. And this is because the importance of these games is only countered by our own importance. We aren’t ‘happy’ we reached the playoffs, the playoffs should be happy that we decided to bless the games with our presence. Now, my dear readers, sit back with a nice Tilean cigarro, a Bordeleaux 2481, and read on with the exploits of the River City Gunners.

Now that all of our theory and thoughts have been laid down, it’s time to see how they are measured in practice. As Djimm Thorp once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get tackled.” 

Now that all of our theory and thoughts have been laid down, it’s time to see how they are measured in practice. As Djimm Thorp once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get tackled.” 

Being a Noble is not simply making important decisions and being adored by those you walk by all the time. There are moments that can be very taxing. Today, I was relaxing in a personal bath heated by lava stones imported from the World’s Edge Mountains, enjoying my Bordeleaux, and enjoying a slow smoke of cigarro leaves from Cathay. And then, my assistant, Nathaniel, comes in to remind me I need to present a follow up discussion on the applications of Imperial Nobility defenses in Blood Bowl. The nerve! I will, however, continue my bath, my drink, and my smoke. Nothing in my contract says I must dictate my knowledge while being tortured with mundane activities. Let’s get on with it.

Let’s begin with stating the obvious. Imperial Nobility teams are head and shoulders above many other teams thanks to one thing: versatility. To properly wield the weapons available to these teams, a brilliant coach, such as myself, is needed. Some teams use only dumb, brute strength to obtain success because their peanut-sized brains can’t comprehend anything past punching and drooling. Black Orcs are a perfect example of this … and if you somehow believe I might be referring to that team coached by Gorn N’hleg, the Bytown Maulers, then you’re following along nicely! However, knowing how to use the Imperial Nobility’s versatility is key here. 

Having been presented with the title of Head Coach for the River City Gunners, it has been requested of me to record the insights into my purchasing decisions. I will try to keep it simple for those who may not have the intelligence or business acumen that is most needed for this process. And what other way to discuss these matters than with a nice Bordeleaux 2402? It is indeed the brilliance of my wine that pairs wonderfully with the brilliance of my mind.

Good day, everyone. My name is Baron Rhouven von Wurzenheim, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are like us; that is to say, you are cultured, refined, and, of course, debonair. I like that word, Nathan. It’s Bretonnian. I hope you know how to spell it. I’d spell it out for you but then I’d be doing your work for you and how would that look to everyone? Wait, are you writing down everything I’m saying right now? Nathan, you’re a simpleton. I told you to begin writing when I said the word, “begin”, and to end writing when I paused. But I guess that was a little too much for you, Nathan? Very well, let’s begin anew, but this time, you will stop writing when I say the word, “pause.”