Coach Von Wurzenheim of Imperial Nobility

An Offending Offense

Entry 3
Transcribed by Nathaniel Ball

Let’s begin with stating the obvious. Imperial Nobility teams are head and shoulders above many other teams thanks to one thing: versatility. To properly wield the weapons available to these teams, a brilliant coach, such as myself, is needed. Some teams use only dumb, brute strength to obtain success because their peanut-sized brains can’t comprehend anything past punching and drooling. Black Orcs are a perfect example of this … and if you somehow believe I might be referring to that team coached by Gorn N’hleg, the Bytown Maulers, then you’re following along nicely! However, knowing how to use the Imperial Nobility’s versatility is key here. 

Like finding a wonderful cheese to pair with an exquisite wine, such that I have here, we must look at how we pair our Throwers with the Blitzers. In turn, of course, we must protect these valuable players with our Bodyguards and our Retainers (and the brutish assistance from an Ogre if you have one). Although Commoners are not quite as adept as Noblemen, the Bodyguards and Retainers are essential in allowing Throwers and Blitzers to do what they do best: score touchdowns. The dynamics of Throwers and Blitzers easily allow for a passing and/or a rushing game in getting those touchdowns.

In creating our offensive line, we need to understand who it is we are playing against. Is it a team who tends to be more bashy, a team who relies on speed, or a combination of the two? When setting up, it might behoove you to only place three Retainers on the line of scrimmage if there is not a way to begin the game by knocking your opponents down or off the pitch because they are stronger than you. If there is a way to throw hits effectively, then set up your team to take advantage of assists. However, be careful. Against bashier teams, although you have decently durable players, your Retainers could be boot sauce if you aren’t careful. Oh, my, thinking of sauce has given me an idea- Nathaniel? Be a dear and get some of that raspberry sauce for my cheese. That’s a good boy.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Dealing with teams who are too dim to do anything but throw fists, it will be best to cage your ball carrier with Bodyguards, since they are very tough to push around. Again, you may not want to start them on the line of scrimmage unless they are helping with assists. This gives them time to position around a ball carrier. Four Bodyguards building a cage can be very daunting to break. 

Having your remaining Retainers act as a screen around the cage will also frustrate any team since they can Fend off blitzers or any encroaching blockers. Marching the cage upfield won’t be difficult being protected by Bodyguards and Retainers and there may be some moments against slower teams where your Blitzers may be able to make a break and get into the backfield. If this is the case, you have now opened up your option for a passing play. Remember, your Thrower is a Nobleman who can pass and then run into position afterwards. We call that a Running Pass in the business, by the way, and two Blitzers who can Catch on top of this? Why, it’s like raspberry sauce on aged cheese – remarkable. Mmmmm. Nathaniel, I’d offer you some but it seems I’ve already eaten it all. Oh well, I am sure you aren’t quite accustomed to this delectable delight so you would probably miss some of the underlying flavors. Maybe one day I will take you to Bretonnia.

When playing against quicker teams, sometimes running a cage slowly downfield is the tactic to use. However, don’t be afraid to send out Blitzers to snipe any stragglers that could lead to openings for other players, or even the cage, to punch through. Again, the brilliance of Imperial Nobility is that we are brilliant. Bodyguards who will Stand Firm to protect ball carriers, Retainers who will Fend off anyone trying to break a cage, and Blitzers who can Catch and are quick to Block make for a versatile offense. As a coach, it is imperative to use your intelligence Nuffle didn’t give Black Orcs in order to prevail. Hear that, Gorn? Lo! – dost I chuckle! When to rush, when to pass, and when to switch to either style will be the name of the game. 

It is also imperative to determine when to get into a ruckus. Hit and run tactics could be the modus operandi when you are on Offense. By forcing your opponents to Blitz just to get one hit on your team can speed up your Offense marching downfield or open up avenues to rush through. Some teams are hard to put down physically. Some teams beg to be put down. Again, it will depend on your personal tactics on how you wish to proceed.

That being said, the River City Gunners have the best leadership possible to raise the Cup over the league. Thanks to me and my insight on Offense, I have devised what skills would be best for all positions you wish to focus on Offensive maneuvers. Some of these skills are no-brainers. Or should I say, “Black Orcers?” What say you, Nathaniel? You look peckish. Maybe later you can find something to eat. Don’t stare at me like that. Your face is looking gaunt and it’s putting me off my cheese. 

At any rate, some skills I would train for an Imperial Nobility team that can switch well between passing and rushing is as follows:

Offensive Bodyguards

On a strong Offense, Bodyguards should be looking at Guard as their first skill. Other skills to think about – Mighty Blow, Defensive, Dodge, or Jump Up.

Offensive Retainers

Block is definitely needed at some point but never underestimate a Fending player that can Sidestep! Other skills – Wrestle, Guard, Defensive.

Offensive Blitzers

Dodge makes these Noblemen dangerous. Add Sidestep? Even better? Then Nerves of Steel? Perfection. Other skills – Guard, Jump Up, Sprint, or Sure Feet.


Sure Hands or Block will need to be trained first. However, some other good skills – Accurate, Dodge, Nerves of Steel, Pass, or Cannoneer.


Pretty much anything Ogres can learn will be fine. Don’t underestimate Block, Multiple Block, or Break Tackle!

That’s pretty much it for Offense. You will always find ways to offend your opponents with your Offense. There are so few coaches who know how to deal with Bodyguards and Retainers very well, and not just because they are dull. They also aren’t accustomed to versatile and sensuous tactics and tastes. I have now covered this entry much like this blackberry sauce on my new piece of cheese. That is to say, completely and exquisitely. Nathaniel, what do you think – a masterpiece, no? I am getting quite full here on scrumptious cheeses and sauces that are coming out in my assessment of Imperial Nobility Offense. Mmmmm, this wine matches perfectly, as well. I can’t even finish everything. Perhaps the dog would like the scraps? Nathaniel, why are you drooling? By the way, have I ever told you what magnificent taste I have in wines and cheeses? Let’s begin with my first foray into the lands of Bretonnia so I can educate you properly. You’ll want to get some new parchment since this could take awhile, Nathaniel. Chop chop!

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