I Only Fail at Failure

Entry 1
Transcribed by his scribe, Nate Ball

Good day, everyone. My name is Baron Rhouven von Wurzenheim, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are like us; that is to say, you are cultured, refined, and, of course, debonair. I like that word, Nathan. It’s Bretonnian. I hope you know how to spell it. I’d spell it out for you but then I’d be doing your work for you and how would that look to everyone? Wait, are you writing down everything I’m saying right now? Nathan, you’re a simpleton. I told you to begin writing when I said the word, “begin”, and to end writing when I paused. But I guess that was a little too much for you, Nathan? Very well, let’s begin anew, but this time, you will stop writing when I say the word, “pause.”

Good day, everyone. My name is Baron Rhouven von Wurzenheim, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are one of us. Oh, my word, I’ve already said that before, haven’t I? Nathan, why didn’t you stop me? What do you mean I didn’t say, “pause?”

It has recently become fashionable amongst the young nobility in all the important circles to participate in the brutally beautiful game – Blood Bowl. From Orcs to Dwarves, Elves to Chaos, and other unwashed and uncivilized races, it is vital that we, as nobles, lend our greatness to help elevate the sport to a more prestigious setting.

Chances are, you may be reading this because you want to start your own Imperial Nobility team. If that’s the case, you have good taste, my friend. And if you have good taste, you are already head and shoulders above the rest. I like to equate Imperial Nobility teams with the intricate flavors of the various wines of Bordeleaux, while other teams are more akin to the squig sweat called Bloodweiser.

For those who aren’t as well-versed in famous connoisseurs of the world and to give you little provenance of my bona fides, I am Baron Rhouven von Wurzheim. You may remember me from such parchments as, Bretonnian Blood Bowl and other Fads, You Can’t Spell Peasants without ‘Ants’, and Class: Why Blood Bowl Needs It and So Do You. Having travelled far and wide across the Empire and Bretonnia, I studied and coached several Bretonnian teams (none of which need to be mentioned but you can be assured I actually did). Due to this experience, I developed a discerning eye on Imperial Nobility tactics and strategies based on previous Bretonnian incarnations.

So, you may be asking yourself, why does the Imperial Nobility team seem to be like a watered-down Poussenc served to the masses on a festival day, a poor-man’s version of a Bretonnian team? Well, firstly, it could be that you’re dim. Secondly, although the Bretonnians backed away from competing in major Blood Bowl events, they left a small mark on the Human playstyle in the sport. Although not as prestigious as Empire Nobility, the Bretonnians developed a style that allowed their nobility to be protected and still be able to rightfully take the credit of the commoners’ hard work. This is why this style is so well-adapted to us. And as I am an expert in all things Bretonnian, I became a natural choice to head a new team.

The River City Gunners are going to be the exemplary example of what a true Imperial Nobility team is about. Led by Lord Weizen, our imperious Thrower with no peer as far as he is concerned, and Lords Vorbeck and Grafbier, our Blitzers without equal-again, as far as they are concerned- triumph will be certain. These three young noblemen will do what Imperial Nobility teams do best- everything! Nathan, that doesn’t sound too conceited, does it? 

Well, conceit does go down easier when it’s true. 

Wait- you’re writing this down again, aren’t you, Nathan? For the love of Nuffle- pause!

Rounding out the team are various Bodyguards and Retainers, because, well, we need to protect the flower of our nobility. I also decided to step away from the Bretonnian mindset and hire an Ogre. Don’t ask me to recite any of these players names- I really can’t be bothered to learn them.

News of this announcement rightfully made its way to numerous ears, including those of Taureau Amiral, whose Art of Coaching made its way through popular reading. With someone of that stature recognizing my achievements, how could I not share my experiences with those who could benefit from my magnanimity?

Therefore, with posterity and acclaim in mind, I have decided to write down a new parchment all by myself that will enclose my thoughts, my organization, my tactics, and even my panache, in order to help educate and inspire other nobles to start or revamp their teams. While I may not be as well known in Nuln or Altdorf as I am in Mousillon or Aquitaine, my name will have such a mark on Blood Bowl that it will be synonymous with other names that no fan could forget- names like  Griff Oberwald, Jordan Freshbreeze, or that Ogre whose name escapes me. Baron Rhouven von Wurzenheim and the River City Gunners are going straight to the top! 

The end. So, Nathan, how was that? Feeling inspired? Can’t say I blame you; I inspired myself. Oh, for Chaos sake, you’re still writing? I said, “The end.” 

What? Seriously? Oh, I remember the word now. 

You’d better edit this, Nathan. This needs to read perfectly and if I look absolutely ridiculous or absurd simply because I didn’t say, “pause.”

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