Coach Von Wurzenheim of Imperial Nobility

Are Playoffs Really Playoffs without the Nobility?

Entry 7
Scribed by Nate Ball

It is important to note that during playoffs, stress, anxiety, and fear can cripple players, coaches, teams, and owners. Being of the nobility myself, I feel like I can speak on how the weight of playoffs can affect an Imperial Nobility team. In short, it doesn’t. And this is because the importance of these games is only countered by our own importance. We aren’t ‘happy’ we reached the playoffs, the playoffs should be happy that we decided to bless the games with our presence. Now, my dear readers, sit back with a nice Tilean cigarro, a Bordeleaux 2481, and read on with the exploits of the River City Gunners.

Thanks to our league win against the White Lions of Lothern, our team secured the first round bye. Now, the more intelligent of my readers have already figured out why we didn’t play our second game thanks to my sparkling introduction. For those of you who haven’t pieced this together yet, well, I’m sorry you were born common or you’ve played for Gorn. Our second match was to be with the Chaos Dwarf team, Blood Mountain Bizarros, but who can blame them for succumbing to their fear? With their cowardly forfeit, that left a clear path to the final. Now, speaking for myself and my team, we are more than happy to play and fight for our spot in the final, however, it is nice for others to bow away from us as we saunter by. So, my dear reader, how is your cigarro treating you? The wine? I perceive it is time for a refresher glass as I cover the final for the Waterloo Blood Bowl League.

Taking the pitch in ordinary fashion, which is to say extravagantly, the River City Gunners faced Hammer Time yet again. The Chaos Chosen team would have the privilege of facing us not once, not twice, but thrice! This game would also break our record; we, having lost to the odorous savages in the first game, and then overcoming their stench with a win in our second game. At this point, Hammer Time was facing a hardened, skilled, and geniusly coached River City Gunners. Our blitzers, Counts Stafford and Fowler, both who could dodge and block anyone, with one who had been taught how to Side-Step, while the other knew how to Guard his teammates. Our Thrower, Duke Kaiser, who could Block and pick up the ball with his Sure Hands. Two bodyguards who could Guard while one was known as a Brawler. Two Retainers who also could Block very well, and last but not least, our Ogre. 

In the first half, after we kicked off to Hammer Time, the Beastmen had a horrible time trying to prevent our blitzers from flanking and harassing their rudimentary cage. While our Bodyguards did well Standing Firm, preventing any breakthrough from their offense, it was our Retainers who stepped up to the line. Not only did they Fend well, but if they did get knocked down, they popped back up soon after as if they had merely tripped. This caused no uncertain amount of frustration amongst the dim-witted beasts. An Imperial Nobility team can start out controlling the field and manipulating teams to move around the pitch in ways the enemy may not want. However, an Imperial Nobility team where players can Guard, Block, and in some cases Side Step, becomes a team that dominates through controlling the momentum of the game. 

By the end of the first half, the Gunners were up 1-0 with no knockouts or casualties, while Hammer Time had one casualty and one knocked out. Fortunately for them, they had a thirteen beast roster. Fortunately for us, they were still dim, especially their Minotaur, who seemed to rage rather than participate in several plays. It felt similar to playing Black Orcs, where you almost feel sorry for how stupid they are. How dangerous they would be though if they could grasp simple tactics, or had coaches who could do the same. 

Apologies, I digress. I tend to take tangential paths of thought while dipping the end of my cigarro in my Bordeleaux. The second half was quite boring to be honest. What can a team do when they don’t knock you down, and if they do, they can’t be bothered with breaking your armor or knocking you out? Well, they can get frustrated and watch helplessly as a far superior team controls the fluidity of the pitch and marches slowly up the field for a second touchdown. Again, with Guard, Side-Step, Stand Firm, Fend, Block, and Dodge, it’s a wonder why more teams don’t learn more from our style of play. 

Not to belabor the point, and since this horse has been beaten enough, the River City Gunners were victorious in the League. As Taureau Amiral, our benefactor has said in the Art of Coaching:

“When a coach focuses only on the best players, it results in a loss. The best teams win through coordinated action of all players.”

An Imperial Nobility team, using coordination between players is virtually unstoppable.

Now, my dear readers, as I have completed my contractual obligation to Taureau Amiral, and with the River City Gunners having won our league, I will get back to enjoying my wine, my cigarro, this wonderful beach, and the sensational waves washing up to my feet. I bid you good day.

Well, Nathaniel, I believe we are done now, save for our tournament entry. Be a dear, and make sure my glass never empties please, and since I am in such a good mood, you may finish my cheese platter. No need to thank me, Nathaniel. I can see in your eyes the overwhelming gratitude you feel. This resort is a virtual who’s who here isn’t it? But there seems to be someone missing- oh, that’s right. Gorn, the self-proclaimed “coach”. Want to hear a joke, Nathaniel? Of course you do, who wouldn’t? What do you call a Black Orc surrounded by goblins? Pimp! Oh, dear me, a little wine just came through my nose. Give me your sleeve, Nathaniel.

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