Transcribed by Nathaniel Ball
Having been presented with the title of Head Coach for the River City Gunners, it has been requested of me to record the insights into my purchasing decisions. I will try to keep it simple for those who may not have the intelligence or business acumen that is most needed for this process. And what other way to discuss these matters than with a nice Bordeleaux 2402? It is indeed the brilliance of my wine that pairs wonderfully with the brilliance of my mind.
In my travels and associations with the Bretonnian Blood Bowl Leagues, the most successful teams utilized their nobles early and often. That makes perfect sense as those of nobility are better accustomed to glory and accolades. This holds true for the Imperial Nobility. When given a budget of a measly 1,000,000 gold pieces, we must first look into purchasing our more noble positions – Throwers and Blitzers. These positions are most integral to success because they will yield the most touchdowns. If you haven’t heard, in order to win, you have to score more than the other team. However, we can’t just throw our money away without thought first – we aren’t Black Orc simpletons! Before we make the actual purchases, we need to think about team dynamics and cohesion. Mmmm, 2402 was a good year for Bordeleaux.
Other teams in Blood Bowl have no care in the world for team dynamics. Those teams will also drink any swill, Bloodweiser for example, until they have most thoroughly poisoned their wits. Imperial Nobility teams are more like a fine Bordeleaux, like this 2402- thoughtful, intricate, and cocky.
Speaking of which- Nathaniel, pour me another glass of Bordeleaux would you? How about the Bordeleaux 2356 this time? The last two glasses of 2402 went down too smoothly. What’s that? Ah, I call you “Nathaniel” because “Nate” sounds too, I don’t know- barbaric?
Where was I? Ah, yes. Now – most teams will employ as many nobles on their team as they can. Because noblemen have been brought up better than everyone else, they may have quirks that do not mesh well with others in their station. This means it is important to field the right men in the right number of positions. While it will always be the case to purchase two Blitzers, two Throwers may not be needed. The Thrower is in a unique position of confidence and ego and having two Throwers on a starting team may not be required. In fact, you should allow one Thrower to develop until his leadership is beyond reproach, and then, should your tactics demand, purchase another Thrower at a later date.
Oh, great, I spilled a little on my ruffles. Nathaniel, fill my glass please, and hand me a new tunic. Quickly, Nathaniel, I haven’t got all day to dictate and drink!
Very well, now. Let’s go over costs. One Thrower and two Blitzers should set you back 285,000 gold pieces. We have now purchased all of our nobility (unless someone’s father wants him to climb the ranks as a retainer first). Although they are not nobles, our Bodyguards are extremely important in protecting our investments! Bodyguards will be key in turning a draw into a win or a loss into a draw, thanks to their tremendous devotion to duty by protecting the stars of the game – the Throwers and Blitzers. However, on a shoestring budget of 1,000,000 gold pieces, we may not be able to buy all four positions. To address the Squig in the room- the critical reason why we cannot afford four Bodyguards will become apparent when we talk about Team Training. Three Bodyguards will be fine for the first few games. After that time, because I cannot fathom an Imperial Nobility losing to any other race, you should have enough gold pieces to purchase your fourth Bodyguard. Three bodyguards will deduct 270,000 gold pieces from your budget. Another Bordeleaux, Nathaniel, and make it snappy.
Where was I? Retrainers? You’re not making any sense, Nathaniel. Refrainers? Have you been drinking, Nathaniel? Oh – “retainers”! Why didn’t you say that to begin with? Retainers, or rather, Retainer Linemen, will fill out your remaining numbers. With six players already purchased, you will need five of them. And though they have the weak fortitude of all commoners, they do fend players off well (and offend players if you teach them how to foul and get away with it). With these five players purchased for 225,000 gold pieces, this will leave you with enough money to buy three sessions of Team Training (expensive for Imperial Nobility!) and still have 10,000 gold pieces left in the Treasury. I would also suggest if you want to start off on the right foot, three team trainings are a necessity. For whatever reasons, Team Trainings always cost double once the season has begun. Those Team Trainings will come in handy for the entire season. Don’t worry about an Ogre until you build up your coffers, but the moment you are able, an Ogre should be a part of your long-term plan. Sit still, Nathaniel, you’re spinning around too much.
Once you get started on your games, I would focus on more wine. Wait, wine? Whoops. I meant getting the fourth Bodyguard. Depending on how your games go, you may want to purchase an Apothecary next. Then look at getting an Ogre. This is all assuming, of course, you haven’t needed to replace any of your noble positionals. How long have I been talking now? I feel exhausted and sleepy. I guess that’s how it goes when you do all the work, right, Nathaniel? What do we need to talk about next? Offense? That’s fine. I’m going to close my eyes for a minute. Good night, Nathaniel.
River City Gunners Roster
Fourth Bodyguard, Ogre, Apothecary (depending on replacing positionals or playing in a bashy league)