Put Me Out of My Misery

Entry 7
Transcribed by his goblin scribe, Ian H. McKinley

OK, you ready, scribe? Good. Start writing.

Good day.

So …

Yeah …

My Accounts Goblin tells me that the contract I signed with Taureau Amiral stipulates I actually have to see this chronicle thing through ’til the end. 

Right.

Well, so, you remember how I told you not to play any Norse teams? Well, turns out I was right. Now, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that I was right, certainly not to me. As I reckoned, Black Orcs and Gobbos are useless against Norse. It’s just a bad match-up, especially if you’ve got no one who can bring down the pain when a block actually succeeds. Now, it mightta been pure bad luck or it couldda been because the team’s useless. I don’t believe in pure bad luck, so you can figure out what I think about my team.

Yeah, we rounded out the regular season with a game against Frosty’s Abominable Snowmen. 

Nah, I don’t know about the name, you’ll have to ask them. 

They did have a Yeti and all. Anyways, they beat us up good and the Ultras didn’t like it one bit. There was no way to claim a Goblin counted for a half-casualty when they out-thumped us three – nil. In terms of ass-wagging, they did it twice in our end of the pitch while we did it once. I’m coming to appreciate that certain league officials place a lot of value on the ass-wagging. Anyway …

We made the play-offs, so that’s something.

“But Boss! Everyone who played three games made the play-offs!”

Will you shut up! I’m tempted to ram that empty bottle the Baron von Loser sent over, you know that one he sent to taunt us, well I’ll ram it up your … er … ah, yes …

I’m the new, humbled Gorn N’hleg, aren’t I? Sorry, it’s hard dealing with Goblin scribes when things have gone so disastrously wrong.

Yeah, we made the play-offs for the minor cup because all teams that play three games get in. We were the last seed and had to play a Chaos team in a Wild Card game even to make the Quarter Finals. And we took that game to overtime … BUT YOU CAN’T TRUST FREAKIN’ GOBBOS TO DODGE!

OH, BY THE SACRED TURD OF GORK THIS TEAM’S USELESS!

“Boss! Boss! You’ve broken your throne, three benches, and a squig! You’re supposed to set an example. Aren’t great coaches like you supposed to have Nerves of Steel?”

YOU SHUDDUP, YOU LOUSY PILE OF …

Err … pardon me, my little shit of a … I mean, my wonderful little scribe here has reminded me that I’m the new, humble Gorn N’hleg.

So, the Ladz couldn’t hurt anyone, the Goblins kept getting caught by the ref when they fouled, the Troll couldn’t even break anyone’s armour!

What? Yeah there’s a Troll! Now will you shut up … er … I mean … err … why, thank you for pointing out that I recruited a Troll, little shitty scribe who I have to be nice to so as to prove I’m being humble.

Let’s back up.

So, the team needs a Troll. A regular season record of one win, two draws, and four losses speaks for itself, even if I try to claim that a Goblin casualty only counts as a half. The team needed more strength to anchor the centre and free up a Lad or two. I’ll get into the specifics in a bit, but we held our own in the Wild Card game and wouldda been in a great position to win if only Puss Jakz’n couldda pulled off a dodge. The cage was set up, he had the speed to move into its centre, and most of the opposition was on the wrong side of the pitch or in our backfield. But OOOOOHHH NOOOO, Puss couldn’t figure out a dodge, could he?

Yeah, they got the ball and wagged some furry beastman ass at our end of the pitch and that was that; season over, me gettin’ pelted by Elf turds from the crowd.

Now is an appropriate moment to quote, as I am contractually obligated to do, that Blood Bowl genius sirloin-in-waiting, the Minotaur Taureau Amiral, in his Art of Coaching. In Part Nine, thingmajig six, he says:

9.6. Air tight defences prevent your opponent from committing a mistake. You are then playing the game for him.

So, let’s just assume I hated the idea of playing the game for anybody but me, so I didn’t exactly have my team execute air tight defences. Like, at all. But I swear that’s all going to change! I’ve learned a lot since starting this team.

So, while I’m told I gotta be humble – AND I AM YOU LITTLE SHIT OF A SCRIBE! – here’s what I’ve learned after one season of managing the Bytown Maulers.

First Thing: You need the Troll. Yeah, you’ve already got lots of strength in your line-up, but your Ladz ain’t quick enough to deal with problems. So you gotta get a Troll to anchor the line-of-scrimmage and free up a Lad or two. It’s a must. Then just pray to Gork he don’t go all dumb on you like Barf Slovenly did in our play-off game. The whole business about a Gobbo not bein’ able to dodge only came into play because Barf went Really Stupid during a key moment in overtime and couldn’t throw Puss into a vacated Chaos backfield. So, take the Troll and free up a Lad on each flank.

Next Thing: Build up your Treasury. It mightta been an awful season, but I ain’t broke. Sure, the up-front injection of gold from Taureau Amiral helped, but the Maulers held their own despite the Ultras goin’ sour on ’em and all. I’m headin’ into next season better off! But don’t hoard all your gold! No … spend it on bribes. The minimum should be one but you’re better off with two. We was five thousand short in buyin’ off a ref for the play-off game and I can tell ya, we missed that bribe. Konvisse Yeux got sent off KOing a Chaos Chosen Blocker in the first half of that play-off match and that kinda put an end to the fouling. Take it from me, even if you’re the overdog, bribe the ref.

Next, Next Thing: Because your Black Orcs are slow, your Goblins’re gonna get hurt. That erodes your ability to put the boot in, what I always said should be your key tactic. So your key tactic’s actually gotta be somethin’ else; caution.

WILL YOU SHUT UP! I DON’T NEED TO HEAR YOUR CHORTLING!

Sorry, the Gobbo scribe’s getting a bit uppity now that I’ve gotta be humble and all.

So, about that “Next, Next Thing” … you gotta keep Ladz free and you’re better off not always hitting things, but, instead, making it harder for your opponent to hit your Gobbos. I always said that havin’ the ball attracts the opposition’s best players into attacks on the ball-carrier … well, wise opponents’ll go after your weakest links, the Gobbos. They’re the only ones on your team with mobility so you gotta take care of ’em.

Next, Next, Next Thing: Hoard your team training (editor’s note: re-rolls). If you can, suffer through the odd Lad tripping on a pair of skulls left on the pitch. If your positioning’s good … and need I really say you should move the players you can before venturing a block? … your opponent’ll have a hard time getting at your Gobbos or penetrating deep into your half. Keep the team training for the moment you really need to get something done … venture a dodge by a Black Orc so he swings around and takes down a ball-carrier or opens up a path downfield. That way if you need to blow team training on the dodge, you can still survive the Black Orc tripping on a pair of skulls just as he lays on the hit. Team training leverages other team training.

Last Thing: Try to get out of your contracts with freakin’ dictatorial Minotaurs! Yeah, yeah, so the season’s over, but I still gotta share my perspectives on coaching this pack of freakin’ losers! Now, don’t get me wrong … ’cause I ain’t ever wrong! … I’ll take this pack of idiots to the top (if only to throw them off it), and I’ll keep sharing my accumulated wisdom with you loyal readers. But even if I have to send that empty bottle back to Baron von Wurst-Idiot-Ever full of Bored Doe wine, I do so in the full knowledge that Gorn N’hleg’s star will rise again.

To wit: in upcoming chronicle entries, I’ll break down my preparations for tournament play, including the prestigious Thrunk Memorial Brick and the Lys Bowl. There’s also the next season of the league to compete in. So, keep an eye out for my future entries; I can assure you, I have more Goblin scribes to throttle!

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