Taureau Amiral is not Ian H. McKinley

[Bovine Grunt] You were wise to give in to my request to clear things up.

We bow before your wisdom [whispered: And your horns]

We are also joined by the writer, Ian H. McKinley. Welcome, sir.

I’m pleased to be here, and I do apologize if somehow I’ve …

Enough of this! It is not your fault.

[whispered amongst the board: He’s implying it’s our fault!]

It IS your fault!

[Gulps] Err … so, let’s start with you, Ian. You have contributed a great deal of content to Blood Bowl Strategies, have you not?

[Nodding] Yes, and it’s been a true pleasure. I’ve written one article on my take-aways after having played Black Orcs for a year. That came at the end of a twelve-entry chronicle written from the perspective of a daft Black Orc head coach, the infamous Gorn N’Hleg. The chronicle was meant to be entertaining more than enlightening, though each entry did have advice for prospective Black Orc coaches. Last, but clearly not least, I wrote an entire 80,000 word novel, Up and Under, about “footy” at Taureau Amiral’s suggestion, written in forty-four episodes that you subsequently posted on your website over the course of two years. Now, I have to acknowledge that Up and Under was a collaboration. Each of those forty-four episodes had at least one great illustration provided by the artist Sébastien Meunier. Between my writing and his illustrations, Up and Under really came to life.

So, yes, I suppose I have contributed a great deal. Or, at least, that’s my impression, but perhaps not that of the head honcho, Taureau Amiral.

[Interjecting] Gorn N’Hleg is a fraud and not fit to be a blood bowl coach. Your Black Orcs playbook was hardly an honorable effort. You are lucky I stepped in to give our readers something to chew on. That said, I will concede that Up and Under is a damn good novel.

[To Ian H. McKinley] You said that Taureau Amiral invited you to contribute an entire novel to Blood Bowl Strategies? So, he is not the author behind Up and Under? There must be an interesting story behind all that.

I can confirm all that, yes. There is, indeed, a fascinating story behind it. I don’t like to repeat myself when there’s already a good place to find out about it. Click on this link and it’ll take you to the whole backstory.

[Again interjecting] If I had written Up and Under, it would have been a much more direct and shorter novel. The Jesters would have been called the Mouettes Rieuses and they would have won the Coupe Sang-Bleue and not the Blue Blood Cup. It certainly would have been unintelligible to the English-speaking world.

[To Taureau Amiral] So, esteemed philosopher, the rest of the website’s content is yours?

Of course not! You thick-skulled nincompoops! It is true that in the website’s early days, I wrote all the articles. But since then, the team has grown. Now, I sometimes invite blood bowl enthusiasts to share their thoughts, but also commentators, cartoonists and even recognized writers in search of additional notoriety … like this puny furless animal here. 

Are there other important distinctions you’d like visitors to Blood Bowl Strategies to understand?

Visitors should all know that, aside from being far more handsome than Ian, I am also a far more proven blood bowl coach. In my time, I have won three Selfish Bastard trophies! Three! Today, Ian could not even win one. He is too much of a nice guy. But at least he is not totally hopeless as he is very active on the tournament scene, so he still has a shot to win something of questionable value, unlike the tournaments of old that I competed in. Ian will now probably retort with well-turned English phrases, but I can assure you that if we were to debate in Minoan, he would not be able to say anything beyond “Good day.” That is why the language I use with humans is …

[Interjecting]: Violence?

[Enraged]: True, but with a pinch of la langue de Molière … French!

But his English really is very good.

Barely functional. I recognize my limitations.

And what of your personal life?

I enjoy the outdoors: bicycling, hiking, camping, canoeing. I write, of course. In fact, I’ve just finished the draft of my seventh novel! You can find out all about my writing at www.ianmckinley.com

Oh, and yes, I am one of the Blood Bowl enthusiasts of whom Taureau Amiral speaks. I am preparing to go to the World Cup in Alicante, Spain. In the meantime, I am getting in as much practice as I can at tournaments here in the region of Québec and Ontario. I am also part of a new Blood Bowl podcast entitled, The Eye of Nuffle.

And what of you, esteemed minotaur?

I am having fun keeping you all in line, that is for sure! I also enjoy the outdoors, though I eat much more of it than Ian. And while I take the time to taste the roses, I also take the time to channel the fury in me. On the other hand, there was a time when I traveled and moved around a lot, but I do not anymore. And although I once played a lot of Blood Bowl in a very evil way, those days are long gone too. Instead, I now study the game to find meaning and share that wisdom. This is what motivates me to run a website like Blood Bowl Strategies. Blood Bowl is not a mere game, as Ian suggests.

Just like that great composer, Sting, in one of his songs, speaks of the “sacred geometry of chance.”

[interjecting]: In his song, Shape of My Heart!

What? No! What bullsh*t is this? I am in search of an answer.

What answer?

THE answer! “The hidden law of the probable outcome,” as Sting sings, though I bet Taureau Amiral thought that all up first.

What the? Hell no! Wanna feel my sting?

So, in conclusion, Taureau Amiral and Ian H. McKinley are different people entirely.

Hell, not only different people but entirely different species!

Exactly!